Right now, we are continually cycling through our emotional arsenals. We are confronted by fear, sadness, confusion, anger, anxiety, and frustration daily and sometimes hourly. These emotions are not supposed to paralyze, wear down, hurt, or damage us, yet that is so often how we experience them, especially now, and it’s not at all surprising. As a society, we have no idea how to handle or express any emotional experience considered “negative” or “bad.”

The universal responses to children’s emotions are causing emotionally illiterate adults.

Children are taught, with the best of intentions and genuine care, lessons that last a lifetime. Consistently kids are urged not to cry or be upset when they fall and skin a knee or are left behind. We tell toddlers that there is nothing to be afraid of when frozen with fear at the top of a slide. When confused or anxious to try something new, we make it clear that they shouldn’t be so dramatic because it’s not that hard, all good, and not to worry about it. We command an angry child because someone destroys their creation or is frustrated at being misunderstood, to calm down, smile, be quiet, and take it easy.

Reinforcement of emotional dysfunction, and the repeating of cycles, is inevitable

These universal responses program how we all perceive and interact, not only with ourselves but also with the world, and the cycle continues. We show young people that these automatic and universal feelings are either not legitimate and acceptable or unfair and unjust. We are rarely validated and allowed us to explore how these feelings can serve and help us. Instead, we attempt to justify, prevent, blame, or “get over” them.

Those that we learn from and trust the most teach us to ignore, deny, and avoid anything that isn’t “positive,” resulting in a systemic discomfort with all things considered “negative.” It is no wonder, as adults, we work so hard to eliminate anything “negative” and have such deep shame if we can’t. We often end up trying to “fake it until we make it” enough to make ourselves and those around us comfortable, which keeps the cycle going. 2020 is not going to allow us to keep up this pattern. It is a collective awakening to the power of our experiences and emotions.

1. Free yourself from the illusion of control.

If you are living by manifesting your reality, using the law of attraction, only thinking positively, and cultivating high vibrations, you are missing some beautiful connections and amazing tools. That is the lesson and gift of 2020, a collective soul promotion, if you choose to accept it. There is such an urge to try to get back to all of the tools and techniques that have worked so well, for so long. It is time for a whole new way of being; flowing, growing, expanding, connecting. Embracing your entire emotional spectrum instead of just the “positive” opens up a whole new world of possibilities.

I learned how to make my “negative,” brutal, uncomfortable, and often forbidden emotional states work for me when my very carefully constructed world suddenly collapsed. I was the strongest I had ever been and the highest functioning, reality manifesting human I could be. I had it all figured out, and it was all working out, exactly as I knew it would because I was manifesting it to be so. The law of attraction was at my mercy, and I used it to create my perfect reality and help others build their version of it.

When I thought I had it all figured out, I quickly realized how little I knew.

I was 38, living my best life, watching my dreams unfold before me. I still remember so vividly the exact moment this Motor Neuron Disease attacked my nervous system. Instantly my left wrist was rendered useless and excruciatingly painful. In a few hours, my left shoulder had decided to join the “not going to cooperate” party, and it continued until my entire left side curled in on itself.

I shuffled around like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, unable to walk, to work, to sleep, to eat, to function, at all. In less than two weeks, I went from a Graceful Warrior to Quasimodo, and there was no amount of “positive” thinking, affirmations, or visualizations I could do, say, think or feel to shift it. It was impossible to hide, so there wasn’t a way to fake it until I made it. All of my tricks were useless, and I was fading fast.

I lost a lot of “things,” abilities, notions, my long hair, and pride, but one of the toughest losses, by far, was the sense of control and the false sense of security that I had unknowingly come to depend on heavily. Eventually, I was hospitalized, with an IV pumping formerly forbidden antibiotics into my veins and an alarm on my bed, preventing my getting up.

It was incredibly scary, heartbreaking, maddening, confusing, and frustrating. I had never experienced anxiety before. Suddenly, it felt like I existed entirely in a panic state with a healthy dose of shame at my inability to manifest and shift my way back to “myself.” I had nowhere to hide and certainly no way to run. I had to figure out a way to go through all of the feelings that I had been avoiding, denying, and suppressing.

It was so scary for me to embrace and acknowledge emotions and behavior that I believed would cause my demise.

I needed to recognize their value and learn how to use the emotions I had worked hard to eliminate. I was amazed at just how easy and genuinely freeing it was to accept all of my emotions. I realized that my obsession with getting back to my “old self” and “staying positive” was just an attempt to feel in control, often while claiming to “let go,”

2. Completely release the idea of “Negative,” or “Positive,” “Good,” or “Bad” Emotions.

All of your emotions are designed to serve you. They are tools to help you navigate life. They pass through you; they do not define you; they are not who you are. (you are not sad; you are feelingsad). None of them are “negative” or “bad,” and the idea that the only acceptable emotions are the “positive” or “good” variety is not helpful or accurate.

I eventually realized that the harder I fought, the faster I sank. I was thrashing in emotional quicksand, without realizing that all of the tricks and techniques that had served me so well, for so long, were causing me to sink faster.

When the appropriate emotional response to our situation is one that we have labeled “wrong,” and we try to change it by denying, ignoring, and “faking it,” the more powerful it becomes.

3. Name and acknowledge your challenges, shame, and vulnerabilities to yourself and to those that you trust.

The same belief system that tells us only to allow the “positive” also tells us to not “give energy” or “give power” to the things that we don’t want to create. “Energy goes where intention flows”… It is the very essence of the idea that we “create our reality,” and it is entirely and wrong.

When wename and acknowledge our challenges, we take our power back to tackle them from a place of strength, not weakness.

I had been so programmed to only acknowledge or give energy to what I wanted to create or perpetuate. The very last thing I wanted to provide power to were the challenges that had systematically been taking over every aspect of my body.

When the deformation and deterioration of my hands became so severe that it was impossible to hide, I covered them entirely with tattoos. I had hoped that anyone (myself included) who saw my hands would “give energy” to the beauty, stupidity, or extremity of the tattoos, not the gnarly, sick, alarming fingers that were curling and twisting in on themselves. Eventually, it became impossible to drive attention to the illusion I wanted to manifest. I learned that distractions don’t solve anything, they only prolong the inevitable.

When tattoos and a sunny disposition could no longer hide the truth, I finally allowed myself and my struggles to be seen and understood. I was showered with so much love, support, understanding, and caring. It was almost overwhelming, and I even slowly started to accept myself.

I was convinced that attention flowing to my illness would make it even more powerful. I was shocked when it did the exact opposite; it empowered me. Please call out and name your challenges, shame, and vulnerabilities to yourself and someone you trust; I promise it is empowering and freeing.

4. Learn to recognize “Hijacks” and practice disarming them immediately, or better yet, prevent them entirely.

Let’s be clear, all emotions, whether categorized as “negative” or “positive,” when allowed to call all the shots, are not only detrimental to our lives but also our health. The part of the brain that creates the fight/flight/freeze / disassociate response can hijack our minds creating violence, avoidance, paralysis, and detachment, just as mania can take control, creating damaging, even dangerous behavior and life-altering decisions.

The opposite of Fight/Flight is Rest/Digest or Feed/Breed, so to have the most vital body and immune system that is ready to thrive if our worst fears become a reality, we have to prevent and disarm these Hijacks.

When your brain is Hijacked, and your Sympathetic Nervous System takes over, adrenalin and cortisol flood your body. These hormones elevate your heart rate and give you strength and power to fight, flight, freeze, or disassociate. They take resources away from your immune, digestive, and reproductive systems to redistribute them to your extremities, and heart gives you the most stamina, speed, and strength possible.

This hijack is a means of survival and was never meant to be engaged for any length of time; it is designed to escape immediate danger, not linger for days, weeks, or months. The reality of a prolonged hijack is a stressed heart, compromised digestion, reproductive dysfunction, disrupted sleep, disassociation from the present, the inability to act, and a weakened immune v, all of which are all the exact opposite of what we need to face a Global Pandemic.

5. Master “Smelling the rose and Blowing out the candle” breathing.

During a Hijack, breathing is fast and shallow (the air only reaches the tippy, top of the lungs), which is the key to overriding it. Your brain can’t remain Hijacked with deep (air go the bottom of the lungs) slow, deliberate breath.

Imagine you are smelling a rose, then blowing out out a candle, repeat. Inhale for 3 seconds through your nose and exhale 6 seconds out of your mouth (at least ten times if you are “hijacked”) or count as you inhale through your nose, then exhale for twice as long out of your mouth

If possible, (but not necessary) exhale through pursed lips and as you exhale, place your right hand on your chest and left hand on your lower belly (if you are a woman) and left hand on your chest, right hand on your stomach, (if you’re a man).

Practice this every time you need help thinking logically, regulating emotions, and finding peace, especially if your thoughts, feelings, and breath are racing. Regaining logical thought, helpful action, and appropriate emotional response with your breath is easy to do. Still, it can take time (up to 45 minutes depending on the severity of the hijack), so be patient with yourself and others as hormones dissipate, emotions regulate, and logical thought retakes control.

6. Use the Hijacked Emotion’s Twin Expression to transform your experiences.

Remember that emotions are just energy designed for us to use in the situations that invoke them.

During a Hijack, the power of emotion can be overwhelming because it is hormonally enhanced and often happening during a circumstance that does not warrant such a powerful and primitive response. Those “Hijacked Emotions” are still just energy, and once you add deep breathing, they can transform into more useful, appropriate emotional expressions that are so helpful. Check out Making Fear Your Friend for more on this.

As you practice “Smelling the rose and Blowing out the candle” or anytime you are experiencing an emotion you want to transform, be aware of the energetic twin of the emotion that is challenging you. Allow all of the feelings to move through you while practicing deep breathing and expressing them in a useful, beneficial, and appropriate way.

Keep Breathing.

Emotional Twins:

Anger is Focus with Deep Breathing.

We become cleaning & organizing beasts when angry.

Anxiety is Flow with Deep Breathing.

When we focus on the present & steps by step actions, we can stop frantically grasping for the shore and allow ourselves to go with the Flow.

Sadness is Joy with Deep Breathing.

When we finally allow ourselves to sob deeply (automatic breath work), it often ends with even deeper laughter and a heart light from the release.

Fear is Excitement with Deep Breathing.

These two are so interchangeable; we often shake with anticipation when on the verge of doing something we are excited to do.

Frustration is Bliss (or Gratitude) with Deep Breathing.

Chests that are bursting with frustration fill our bodies with bliss and gratitude once breath releases us from the grip of a Hijack.

Confusion is Transformation with the understanding that often transforms perceptions.

The other side of confusion is a profound understanding that often transforms perceptions.

7. Find your Attitude of Gratitude in every circumstance.

It works every single time! Gratitude is the master transformation tool; use it when nothing else works, and every chance you get. The collective reality is so new, and anything new creates vulnerability, fear, anxiety, over and over again. It is so important that we are continually practicing active gratitude out loud.

I remember, at the beginning of my illness, the first few moments upon waking, my heart would swell with the hope that my condition had improved overnight, only to break with the reality that it had gotten worse. I started each day defeated and fought to override and deny all of the emotions that accompanied the defeat to “stay positive” so I could go to bed that way and set myself up for it all over again. I see this cycle happening all around me right now, and it is a brutal collective experience.

The day I woke up and replaced defeat and mourning of what I had lost and could no longer do, with gratitude for what I still had and could continue to do (no matter how small and insubstantial) was the day that everything shifted. I started to make the most of a challenging, tragic, devastating situation. That shift made everything better, instantly.

The truth is that hard, difficult moments are on the horizon or already crashing upon so many of us.

I can’t imagine the pain, devastation, and frustration that healthcare workers much feel as they helplessly watch so many lose their lives, alone, while they are cut off entirely from their loved ones.

It is overwhelming to imagine the confusion and fear an elderly grandmother must feel, isolated, and away from those she loves for reasons she can’t understand.

My heart aches for the daughter who can’t comfort and hold her sick father’s hand as he fights for his life, not knowing if she will see him again.

How devastating it is for all the parents who have no idea how to pay the rent and feed their children next week.

There are countless situations like these playing out across the world right now, and the suggestion that the ideal response is to “stay positive!” is entirely unrealistic and not at all helpful.

8. Give yourself permission to process your E-Motions with movement.

The primitive and automatic nature of an emotional hijack means that your logical mind can not fully process its ramifications. When your body experiences the adrenaline rush, redistribution of strength, enhanced blood flow, pounding heart, heightened awareness, and shallow breathing that happens instantaneously with a hijack, and it can leave a mark. Unless we process the experience fully, we are left with the aftermath of it.

We can learn how this works from our fellow mammals in the wild. When our logical mind takes over, it interrupts our primitive or automatic processing. A rabbit chased by a coyote and manages to escape doesn’t “pull itself together” and act as if nothing has happened. When it is out of danger and in a safe place, that rabbit will shiver, shake, and tremor until it has fully processed that experience. After finishing the process, it doesn’t suffer from residual injuries, PTSD, or adrenal fatigue. The only animal besides humans to suffer from PTSD are dogs because we often interrupt their process. We are so culturally uncomfortable with it. It is very apparent with small dogs, like chihuahuas, who shiver and shake, A LOT. Think about how often we “comfort” them, hoping to make them stop shaking, which will prevent their processing, the same way we do to ourselves.

If we express emotions during a hijack as a primitive/automatic response, then it makes sense that we can’t fully process it with a logical approach. Talk therapy and mindfulness can only go so far. It is one reason traditional meditation and sitting perfectly still can be almost painful for those who have an excess of unprocessed emotions from hijacks, trauma, or automatic primitive responses. After your next hijack event, you will probably find your hands shaking; those are Neurogenic Tremors, permit them to happen. The tremors might start happening other times, too, let them. To process those e-motions, you will need to let your body lead the way. Permit yourself to move; however, your body wants, no judgment, no thoughts.

Embracing all of your emotions so they work for you, not against you is such a SuperPower!

Eliminate the “good” & “bad” the “negative” &” positive” then watch the magic that unfolds. Releasing the need to label emotions while empowering ourselves by naming and acknowledging our challenges is so important. As we allow our feelings to transform into expressions that work for us, as they were designed to and practice disarming and preventing hijacks, keeping ourselves healthy, we must support, love, and accept ourselves and each other.

Please remember that all of your emotions are beautiful, wonderful, and completely acceptable. They can all be expressed in an appropriate, helpful, and useful way and that you are not alone as you learn how to navigate them. Keep discovering gratitude everywhere, Breathing Deeply, and allowing your body to move. You’ve got this!